Giving God Room

Give God room to prove himself faithful.

As I've said time and time again, I am a planner.   I like the lists and the calendars and all things filed and color-coordinated.  I like having all the ingredients for a recipe, paying the bills early, and having a spare toothbrush in the drawer for unexpected guests.  Preparedness is my jam.

However, I'm becoming convinced that all of those things start to slowly go out the window as one approaches their due date.  The desire is still there, but most of the time I feel like I am grasping at straws to know how to prepare for this upcoming...let's call it an adventure.  No matter how many mothers or doctors or Google-searches I turn to, each one tells me the same darn thing..."Every birth story is different and every baby is different.  You'll just know".  (**Insert eye-rolls and cold sweats**)

These responses bring me no comfort, no peace, and no sense of assurance that I'll have any idea what the heck I am doing when D-day comes, nor am I confident that any maternal instincts will kick in when necessary.  What are maternal instincts anyways and how do you know if you have them and am I less of a mother if I am so awkward at this new role?  I mean, newborns have never been my thing.  I've never had a huge desire to hold a fresh human or want to watch them sleep or find thrill out of talking about their eating habits or bowel movements.  I have prayed for this baby and want this baby and am excited to meet this baby, but somewhere between the reality of the upcoming late-nights and loud cries and lack of sleep, my excitement begins to drop ever-so-slightly.

Give God room to prove himself faithful.

Ever since I got pregnant, doctors and friends and family have been asking me about my birth "plan", which I didn't even realize was a thing.  In my mind, what else do you need to plan aside from getting the baby out safely?  For a type-A planner, I clearly hadn't done my research.  And then the more I dug into this "birth plan" business, the more I became overwhelmed with the 32 billion different exit strategies that women have to choose from, and that's only the beginning of the decision-making process.

Give God room to prove himself faithful.

One day after work, I remember lamenting out loud to God in my car about all of these details.  I remember voicing my fears and sharing my concerns, all while hoping that this immense sense of peace would overtake my body and those feelings would be gone forever.  However, instead of taking everything away in one foul-swoop, God instead whispered to me, "Ashley, when have I not shown up for you before when you needed me?"

I have journals and blog posts and experiences chocked full of God's faithfulness, yet when uncertainty rises, it tends to overpower those moments of truth.

Give God room to prove himself faithful.

Instead of God giving me clear direction to the questions and decisions that lay before me, He instead is challenging me to leave room in my plans for faithfulness to prevail.  To make space in the margins.  To create fluid lists.  To loosen the grips on the structures I've created.  To make space for uncertainty and instead to...

Give God room to prove himself faithful.